I had a dream about you / Eloise Hamann (Mom)Read >>
I had a dream about you / Eloise Hamann (Mom)
I rarely remember my dreams but I dreamed about you last night and remembered it. I guess it was a reverse birthday present. You were an adult and not really dead. You had just dropped out for a while. You were in my car and I was driving so I couldn't get to you to hug you. I couldn't wait to tell the world but somehow got lost trying to get home. The few other dreams I've had of you, you were still a little boy.
I still think of you every day. Your novel, Brad Pitt Won't Leave Me Alone made the semifinalist list in a contest by Amazon.com. Your cousins and aunts have read it or are reading it. Pam is passing it around her book club. I need to be less timid about submitting it for publication. I've been doing it one at a time as I've done for Scheherezade's Pornography.
Heather is having your corned beef birthday gathering this year. She has recently furnished her living room and even more recently bought new dining room chairs so she wants to entertain. Chris, Vic, and Astrid are coming as they always do. Douglas and Chris are also coming. The red cake you love will be dyed green for St. Patty's Day. I can't remember if I usually did that for your birthday or not. I know I've made it in both colors. It's hard to think that this is the fourth such gathering. It helps for us to do this.
I don't think I told you that your uncle Les died. Yvonne misses him, but seems to be getting along OK.
I didn't tell you you have a new first cousin once removed. Evan is the father of a cute little baby girl, Ana.
Your Nana enjoys her great grandson Tanner. She gets to take care of him from time to time.
We got a picture of Taryn's Lola at Christmas time. She is beautiful. We have adopted Chris and Vic's Astrid as our surrogate grandchild. I thought I'd never be a refrigerator grandma but we have a great picture of her on a bearskin rug guess where? It is so funny as she has a bored supermodel expression on her face. We love her chipmunk cheeks!
It's chilly here this morning. I have to run out to get cream cheese for the frosting for your cake. It's the only thing I'm making for your feast although we'll go in early to help.
PS/ Brenda Gaines Hunter (none)
PS The last message was in reference to your not always understanding your sons' poetry--and how our kids often turn out to be so different than we imagine they would. The dude was deep. Close
He was gifted / Brenda Gaines Hunter (none)Read >>
He was gifted / Brenda Gaines Hunter (none)
I'm so sorry about the death of your son. He was gifted. I always thought of him as a future investment banker, stockbroker... because of his brains.
I have been around so many parents who wonder how their children turned out the way they did. I can tell you that you did nothing wrong. I've spoke with many people who have bipolar disorder, schizophrenia... who say there is no explanation.
Your son was brilliant and probably cared too deeply about things that he couldn't control. His writing was his way of taming his emotions.
I too will be looking for a publisher in 2008 for my memoir "This is How it Ends." It's been through critiques and editing and is ready to be published. I do have agent referrals. It's about my efforts to tame the grief I have around losing my mother years ago and finally for good. I don't know what we're to do with our grief. It seems that I've been grieving all of my life. Don't give up on Shannon's work, his songs and contribution to life.
You and Dr. Guzman have always been my favorite teachers and both have lost sons recently. I wish I could take away the pain.
Sometimes I think people are here for a short while just to give us joy; sometimes just to remind us of how special life is. I don't believe God ever takes people. I believe he accepts them.
Three years / Eloise Hamann (Mom)
Heather is coming for this 3rd anniversary of missing you. We will light your candle and put up our Christmas Tree. You have a beautiful upbeat sister. She is the light of our lives.
I will probably spend the day reading your letters and looking at pictures. Heather has another part time job doing late afternoon traffic so won't come till about 7 p.m. She has a new idea for the tree this year which she is keeping to herself. I still want to use the white reindeer that you arranged flying up the tree.
I've been contacting publishers about your work. I have gained much empathy about how hard it is to break into publishing. There has been a positive reaction among friends and relatives to your Brad Pitt novel. Lori has been thinking of who would play Carol in the movie. I wonder who you would choose.
An article I wrote about losing you appeared in an online magazine. Andrew works there. http://www.divinecaroline.com/article/22137/25425-mother-s-grief
Nana is coming to our house for Christmas. Your cousin, Evan, is a father of a new baby girl.
There was an empty chair at my birthday dinner / Mom Read >>
There was an empty chair at my birthday dinner / Mom
Your Dad, Heather, and I went to a wonderful restaurant for my birthday dinner. Tables naturally accommodate four and I thought of you filling the empty chair. I haven't written for a while, but I think of you often.
Chris and Victoria had a baby girl, Astrid, almost three months ago. You would be amused by your friend Chris. He is such a devoted father.
I have been writing and have come to appreciate that getting published is harder than writing.
The world is getting to become less desirable with Bush at the helm. I am glad I am as old as I am. I am not so optimistic about what the world will be like decades from now.
Guess who came to dinner? / Mom (Mom)
We had a lovely evening with your friend, John Bruce. He was in San Francisco on business. Heather brought him out. It was great to hear his stories about you. I'm keeping part of the reason for his visit secret. Your Dad and I have always said that you have great friends! Speaking of friends, Chris and Victoria's baby should be born any day.
Birthday wish / Taryn Knight (Friend) Happy Birthday Shannon! Be an angel will ya, and send me a dream tonight with us haging out and celebrating. One so intense that I wake up believing that it happend. I love you and miss you deeply, Taryn Close
Hey Baby! / Heather (sistah)
Well, we could debate which version of "Hallelujah" to use. (see Mom's entry) Chris and Victoria thought you liked Cale's better, but I realize that I don't know why exactly. It's sweet that he loved the song so much and Leonard shared it with him. I feel like he thinks of Cohen when he sings it. Anyway there is a certain symmetry to putting John Cale and Lou Reed together, eh? Seminal NEW YORK band, Velvet Underground! Well, enough record store geek speak.
The opportunity to go to NYC this week half-presented itself...I day-dreamed of going and having a big birthday dinner with your NY friends...laughing and swapping stories. I thought that mabye today I'd be at MacDougal Street tattoo with your tattoo artist getting something to commemorate you...like you so sweetly did for Anne Frank. ;) But, perhaps another time. Last nite we looked at Donna's photo of you as the Venus. What a tat THAT would make!
I love and miss you so profoundly that I think someone must invent a new word to describe the jumbled ball of emotion in my chest. Good grief, 'grief' doesn't cut it! Happy Birthday Heartbreaker!
Early Corned Beef Birthday / Mom
We are having your corned beef birthday a day early this year, but don't worry it's still a named day. Instead of the Ides of March, we will honor you on pi day (3/14). Heather wanted to make your favorite red cake but using green food color, but she's not sure she will have time.
Chris and Victoria and of course, Heather, will be here.
Heather may be updating the music on your site soon. She talked about using a little Leonard Cohen, one of your favorites.
Did I tell you that Chris and Victoria are expecting a baby girl on April 22nd? We are planning a shower for them on March 25th. Vicki Wheeler had a baby boy on Christmas Eve.
Your birthday is less than a month away. We will have your favorite corned beef again. I'm sure Heather will be here. Chris and Victoria have joined us the last two birthdays.
Did I tell you I've taken up golf? It's hard, but I like it. I was hitting some whiffle balls in the back yard this afternoon. I saw a lovely white bird and thought of Vicki and Donna who believe you became a white bird and visited them at your old apartment.
I am working on becoming a writer in my retirement, perhaps not very hard. I've been working on your material and reading books on writing. I'm appreciating how hard it is to get published and have more sympathy with what you went through. Andrew is working for an online magazine for women called Divine Caroline. They published an article about my grief over you.
Found some of your stuff... / Heather (sistah)Read >>
Found some of your stuff... / Heather (sistah)
Damn, you're always leaving behind notebooks and...oh wait, I took these from your place in Brooklyn... ;) Am going through things on a rainy day and come across those yellow legal pads with lists and lists -- lots and lots of things crossed out. You were getting things done -- randomly inserted on a list of things to do was "Become rock star"...oh, you crack me up. And some quotes you jotted down for future work? There is no escaping the irony..."You can't outwith death: play with him a game of chance." "There is an ambulance with your name on it." Wow. "The Holy Spirit is not only all around you, but also in you like music." And some notes: "Calvary passion We all seek our Calvaries Calvary will find you"... And other jokes and sayings..."Degrading is in the eye of the jilted." And finally, "I find it hard to leave a room in which there are people who love me." Yes indeed. I also found that conversation heart candy you gave me when I visited you in B-vue shortly after Valentine's Day...you said something like "Here, I picked this one just for you..." and on it said, "Darling". I slipped it in my pocket and saved it forever...long before you died it chipped and I was seriously bummed out. Now it says "arling" but at least we all know what you really meant. Vicky Wheeler (great friend of Shannon's) had a baby boy on Christmas Eve! His other great friends, Chris and Victoria are expecting in April! Happy Valentine's Day! Close
Tis the night before the night before the night before the night before the night before Christmas. The traditional decorations are up. Soft music is playing. Most of the rooms are dusted. The caramel corn, hermits, lemon bars, glazed pecans, pecan tassies are in tins. The packages are wrapped. A box of clementines sits on the counter waiting for you to gobble and leave a trail of peelings. I've just filled your crooked glass candle with lamp oil. Nana sent a picture of the virgin Mary with child she thought you'd like. It is near your urn with her note. A red soapstone heart I liked at a museum shop anchors the note. We plan to rent movies that you recommended in old letters. You will enjoy them again I'm sure.
Invitation to Shannon's friends / Eloise &. Kenn (Mom & Dad )Read >>
Invitation to Shannon's friends / Eloise &. Kenn (Mom & Dad )
San Francisco is a beautiful city. We are approximately 30 miles east and near BART. We would love to host your visit. I think Shannon would love it even more.
Reading through your tributes / Maxine Gacke (Aunt)Read >>
Reading through your tributes / Maxine Gacke (Aunt)
Dear Shannon, "Little Shanny," you will always be to me. I think the last time we ever saw you was the short stay you made at our house in Omaha on your way to California. You did your laundry at our house so your mom wouldn't get mad at you bringing home dirty clothes! Then, typically, you left your books and papers behind and we had to send them! Ah! but you were so cute and smart. You could get everyone charmed!! I think I have a letter from you somewhere yet. When I find it, I'll give it to your folks. From some of your writings I knew that you were special but just how special we were yet to realize! Why does God take the good!!?? Your loving Aunt, Maxine Close
Missing you / Mom
It's a chilly Sunday afternoon, perfect for giving you a call and railing about politics, movies, current events. Greenwood Cemetary was featured in our paper today. They give tours near Halloween and tell many interesting stories about those who are interred there. You probably would like those stories and being connected to such a famous site.
There's a baby shower for Vicky Wheeler today. Heather and I had a stroller sent. I thought of it as being on your behalf.
We had a party last night and Heather stayed over. She talked about how much you influenced her in college and wishes you had hung out together more.
I came across a metal rose in a slender vase you gave me when you were a child. I have it by my computer.